Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I always get depressed around Kwanzaa time


Bells are ringing, do-rags are hanging from the mantle and grandma is dusting off her dashiki — it’s Kwanzaa time again.

However, instead of feeling uplifted by the spirit of Kwanzaa, I start feeling down. It happens every year. I don’t know what it is. I should be happy — everyone is singing Kwanzaa carols and taking pan-African pride in themselves, yet I’m moping around during what, for most Americans, is the most special made-up holiday of the year.

But why did the holiday’s founder, Ron Karenga, have to choose wintertime as an arbitrary season to have Kwanzaa? What the hell is so African about freezing rain? I wish he had picked Easter or some other sunny-seasoned white holiday to try and usurp.

Making matters worse, my birthday just so happens to fall on — you guessed it — December 25, the day before Kwanzaa starts. Just my luck, right?

For me, Kwanzaa is just Freaknik with guilt. While everyone else is celebrating their African heritage, I start resenting the entire continent for making me buy gifts.

Usually, my friends and relatives figure out that I haven’t put much thought into it. For instance, last year, I gave my grandmother a “Larry the Cable Guy” DVD that I bought myself on MLK day the previous year.

I think I was 5 the last time I was pleased by the contents of my Kwanzaa stocking. Let me guess, cocoa butter. Gee, thanks, Kwanzaa-spirit.

Kwanzaa was invented by Karenga, to give blacks a chance “to celebrate themselves” instead of Jesus, who he deemed “psychotic.” Then he went to jail for torturing two black women, using a hot soldering iron, a vise and an electrical cord on them for two days. That scene, represented by the sixth day of Kwanzaa (Kuumba, or Creativity) is probably the most disturbing aspect of the Kwanzaa nativity set.

I don’t know — it’s not like I want to get old and cynical about this holiday. It’s fun seeing grandpa put on his Pan-African Power Fez and strut around cussing out all the other races. Grandma usually has one glass of wine too many during the traditional reading of the Principles of Blackness and starts making up black principles, such as “Never ever eat cookies made by your friends' white-devil grandmas.”

During Kwanzaa, I’m supposed to greet people with “Habari Gani,” which is Swahili and basically means, “What’s up?” It’s just seems like a silly affectation to me, especially when the traditional response is, “La kitu lakini ghali nyumba,” which roughly means, “Nothing but the rent.”

And we’re supposed to concentrate on and practice what Karenga called "the sevenfold path of blackness,” which is “Think black, talk black, act black, create black, buy black, vote black, and live black,” which is all well and good, but honestly it freaks our white mailman out big-time. I’m all for walking down the path of blackness, except when that path forces me to pick my mail up at the post office because everyone within two blocks can hear my grandpa’s thoughts about Whitey.

I’m not trying to be a downer for everyone on Kwanzaa, I just get depressed this time of year. I suppose I should just forget the material aspects of the holiday and focus on the reason for the season — the color of my skin. Hey, I’m feeling better already.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Warren Haynes blurs all boundaries between nipple hair, nipple & areola



ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — It would be easy to accuse any musician’s large successful nipples of being derivative of some of the music industry’s biggest nipples — those belonging to Gregg Allman or David Allen Coe, for example — but not when those genre-crossing nipples belong to one of Asheville’s most favored native sons, Warren Haynes.

Widespread Panic bassist Dave Schools, Haynes’ friend and frequent collaborator, sheds some light.

“Warren has taken the human nipple, as well as his music, in unexpected directions,” said Schools, whose own work in chin-neck-jaw-line fusion is widely respected in the industry. “The man lactates pure jam.”

Though audiences have never seen Haynes with his shirt off (which many say would be akin to exposing the wizard behind the curtain), fellow musicians who have spent time offstage with the oft-shirted Haynes insist, “it’s crazy under there.”

“Jerry Garcia really blazed the trail for all of us as far as mind-altering nipple expansion,” said Col. Bruce Hampton. “It looked like somebody fried a couple eggs on Jerry’s chest, but Warren has really cooked up something over easy and extra runny.”

Along with nipples that, along with his riffs, seem to roam free in nearly unrecognizable territory, Haynes also yields a creative, pothole-sized belly button that whispers stunningly beautiful lyrics to the prolific songwriter.

Some critics have derided Haynes’ nipples as “going on and on,” “noodling” and “all over the place, without clear beginning or end.”

Haynes supporters, however, are quick to rise to his defense.

“Look, these ain’t no Zac Efron nipples we’re talking about, all right?” said
Hampton. “You want consumer-friendly, well-contained rosebuds, go somewhere else. You want big, mind-blowing nipples that demand their own tour bus, you go to Warren.”

Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday, November 26, 2010

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News, May 28, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Beeeeeer City USA tells Portland what's up, Biff Wad brings home the headlines, Spence Ticker defends himself against bears, and more in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

This episode of Disclaimer Radio News was originally aired May 28, 2010 on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan" on WWNC 570 AM. Disclaimer Radio News is also heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress.

The Asheville Disclaimer sponsors the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a comedy open-mic every Sunday at 8:30pm at The Hangar (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport). Find out more by visiting "Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge" on Facebook or something.


Saturday, May 29, 2010

Disclaimer Radio Newwwwwwws! May 21, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Kind of a slow week in the news actually, but with a local angle, and even less in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress.

The Asheville Disclaimer sponsors the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a comedy open-mic every Sunday at 8:30pm at The Hangar (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).




Friday, May 28, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News. May 14, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Frank Dribbler reports from Asheville's first comic book convention Fanaticon, Biff Wad brings home the headlines, and more, in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress.

The Asheville Disclaimer sponsors the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a comedy open-mic every Sunday at 8pm at The Hangar (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).

Jesus, sometimes it's all just a damned hassle, if we're being honest.



Thursday, May 27, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News podcast, May 7, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Frank Dribbler only supports anarchy in the hot tub, Biff Wad brings you headlines, Don Yelton loses cakewalk and name-the-Nature-Center's-Otter contest, Spence Tinker works out his political punny headlines, the manager at the Merrimon Avenue BP has some oil spill advice, and more, or precisely that much, in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

The Asheville Disclaimer sponsors the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a comedy open-mic every Sunday at 8pm at The Hangar (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).



Sunday, May 2, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News, Apr. 30, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Headlines from Drunken Orson Welles, "Fer it or Agin it?", political analysis spoken in tongues, and more, or precisely that much, in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

The Asheville Disclaimer sponsors the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a comedy open-mic every Sunday at 8pm at The Hangar (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).



Disclaimer Radio News, Apr. 23, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Rusty McWhackin brings home the headlines, and comes close enough to count, Luscious Lane covers the Obama beat from deep inside the Grove Park Inn spa, Biff Wad stakes out the Sunset Terrace, and more (not really), in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

The Asheville Disclaimer is also the proud sponsor of the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a night of open-mic comedy every Sunday at 8pm at the Hangar Lounge (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).

Disclaimer Radio News, Apr. 16, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Briefs from Biff Wad, Biker gangs return to WNC, and a message from Western North Carolina Phonebook Lawyers, anti-rabbit gardening tips, and more, or exactly that amount, in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

The Asheville Disclaimer is also the proud sponsor of the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a night of open-mic comedy every Sunday at 8pm at the Hangar Lounge (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).

Disclaimer Radio News, April 9, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: All sorts of good, informative, hopeful and life-affirming things from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

The Asheville Disclaimer is also the proud sponsor of the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a night of open-mic comedy every Sunday at 8pm at the Hangar Lounge (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News podcast, April 2, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Briefs from Lucious Lane, Asheville has good ass-width for Google network, and age finally catches up with Chuck Norris, and more, or exactly that amount, in this edition of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

The Asheville Disclaimer is also the proud sponsor of the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a night of open-mic comedy every Sunday at 8pm at the Hangar Lounge (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Obama's advance team to perform at Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge? Yes.

Whatever will I do this Sunday, what with nothing going on and all? Well slow down, and now speed up, because there's free comedy in a hotel lounge every Sunday night, and it's a place where nobody knows your name.

Except the Secret Service, several members of which may be performing stand-up at the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, an end-of-the-weekend wind-up that takes place every Sunday at 8 p.m. at The Hangar, located at the Clarion Inn Airport (formerly the Marriott Inn, but don't tell any potential assassins that).

There's no cover, cold drinks and a hot bartender. Anyone who wants to get up and perform comedy will do just that (sign-up at 7:30, or later, whatever). One random comedian and one random audience member will each get a $15 bar voucher. A crisp ten-spot will also be awarded to the winner of the Single Lightning Round Trivia Challenge of Death: Random Comedian vs. Random Audience Member (Season 2). This week only: No live ammo, please!

Directions: Take I-26 to exit 40 (Asheville Regional Airport exit). Clarion Inn directly off the exit.

Or, take Hendersonville Road to Airport Road, and Clarion Inn will be on your right directly before the I-26 exchange.

Or, from some other strange direction, mapquest yourself to here: 550 New Airport Road, Fletcher, NC.

For more info, call: 828.216.2331.

More info here: http://www.mountainx.com/news/2010/033110buzz2

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News, Mar. 26, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Announcer Frank Dribbler suspended for Pelosi/shoe-horn/banana comment, next up is "a series of fluff pieces with no news value whatsoever" along with appropriate listener responses, then an update on Dollywood's new attractions and one of them, you'll be very surprised to learn, may be related to a certain country music star's enormous (spoiler alert!) breasts, and more in this episode of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week). The Asheville Disclaimer is also the proud sponsor of the Disclaimer Stand-up Lounge, a night of open-mic comedy every Sunday at 8pm at the Hangar Lounge (at the Clarion Inn near the Asheville Regional Airport).

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News, Mar. 19, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Rusty McWhackin cleans his News Briefs, Sandy Mush considers name change to compete with Asheville for Google's Fiber-optic network, a Hot Pocket assists Heath Shuler in reading the Health Bill, and more in this episode of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

Disclaimer Radio News, Mar. 12, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Asheville to be recycled immediately according to Luscious Lane, financial analyst salivates over skyrocketing cost of chicken wings, the time-change confuses local stoners and more in this episode of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

Disclaimer Radio News, March 5, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Rusty McWhackin brings us News Briefs, Bruce Goforth and Patsy Keever try to please the moderators of the Tea Party-sponsored debate, Frank Dribbler conspires to create a city-wide deception toward newcomers, and more in this episode of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

Disclaimer Radio News podcast, orig. aired Feb. 26, 2010

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: Luscious Lane says some rather inappropriate things during the News Briefs, a report from the Sports Fanatic-atic-atic, Heath Shuler pays tribute to WNC native Nina Simone, and more in this episode of Disclaimer Radio News, the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. It can also be heard on "The Doctor Awesome Show," which airs from 3pm-6pm on Wednesdays on Asheville FM ... http://www.ashevillefm.org/

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News, (orig. aired on Feb. 19, 2010)

This week in Disclaimer Radio News: headlines from Luscious Lane, Leicester man's diet of deep-fried cheeseburger skittle calzones holds down Buncombe County's state-wide health ranking, Rev. Ogden chooses the heterosexual lifestyle, school snow-day explanation, and more (not really) from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer.

Disclaimer Radio News is heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM.

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News podcast, Feb. 12, 2010

This week Disclaimer Radio News brings you news about the Maggie Valley landslide, Disclaimer Radio Personals, the Sports Fanatic-atic-atic discussing the recent Duke/UNC game, and oh so much more (actually that's about it).

A Valentine to you from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer, heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM.

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com or pick up the Mountain Xpress (we appear in it all 7 days of the week).

Monday, February 8, 2010

Disclaimer Radio Nudes, Feb. 5, 2010

This week Disclaimer Radio News brings you a creepy delivery of Frank Dribbler's introduction, breaking Asheville news, breaking Facebook News Feed bulletin updates, and such and such from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer, heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM.

To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News, Jan. 29, 2010

This week Disclaimer Radio News brings you breaking Asheville news and things I'd rather not discuss right now, from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer, heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News podcast, Jan. 22, 2010

Never too uppity to totally phone one in, this week Disclaimer Radio News brings you breaking Asheville news, and more, and less, from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer, heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com

Disclaimer Radio News podcast, Jan. 15, 2010

Breaking Asheville news, Asheville's connection to 'American Idol,' Frank gets desperate, and more, from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer, heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com

Monday, January 11, 2010

Disclaimer Radio News, Jan. 8, 2010

Breaking Asheville news, winter survival tips, and what smokers can do to survive the indoor-smoking ban, and more, from the armed audio wing of the Asheville Disclaimer, heard each friday at 5:25-ish on "Take a Stand! with Matt Mittan," which airs between 3 and 6 p.m. on WWNC 570 AM. To see the Asheville Disclaimer weekly print edition in the Mountain Xpress, please visit http://www.ashevilledisclaimer.com